Taking Accountability

Throughout the last year, I’ve been on a crazy rollercoaster ride. So many ups, and almost as many downs. Here I am now though, on calm ground. I have officially gotten off the rollercoaster.  For a long time, I had to work on moving on from someone who was really bad for me… but.. the sentence doesn’t end there…because I was bad for them too.

So many times, people blame their problems, or arguments they have with someone on another person. It’s never their fault. For a long time, I was that person. The guy I was moving on from, yes, a lot of terrible things were said and done to me, BUT, I also was equally to blame. I’m not going to get into all of it, but long story short, what helped me finally move on for good a few months ago was taking accountability for my actions in the relationship and what went wrong. It is so much work blaming someone else for everything, and being mad at someone. It was a lot to carry, and let me tell you.. it is so freeing to be able to finally have him unblocked and not feel the need to call or text him, or fear that he will call and text me. The honest part of me will say this though. A year ago around this time, things were really taking off with him and I, and we were #1’s in each others world. It feels so great to be in love during the Christmas season, and this year I’m not. The odd occasion I think back to last year and miss it. Not him, but the feeling of being in love. I think that is healthy though, because I am recognizing I am missing the feeling, and not the person.

This Christmas is a bit different too in the aspect that an old friend has come back into my life. I was friends with him since grade 10. I remember exactly how we met. He was the “new guy” at school. His hair flipped out by his ears, and he had “wings”. The style back then. One of my friends at the time happened to be friends with him, and I took the opportunity to become close with her again just so I could get to know him. (I know, I still feel bad about that to this day). We started to hang out in group settings, and soon found out that we lived down the road from each other. What a coincidence, right? Anyways, something with him and I clicked. We had a connection instantly. He was very protective over me, and I would do anything for him. I knew I always had a crush on him, but he always was dating someone. I was the third wheel, and yet, whoever his girlfriend at the time was seemed to be the one who took the third wheel position. It was a very flirty friendship, which ultimately would have to blow up one day, right? Right. He introduced me to his best friend at the time, and his friend was a total opposite to him. He was outgoing, loud, confident, aware of himself. His  best friend was quiet, shy, reserved. He had a sense of mystery to him. In a weird turn of events, I ended up falling for his friend, and he ultimately ended up dating, for a little less than 5 years. I was immature in my teens, and kissed another guy while dating him. We broke up for a short period, and I remember being absolutely drunk and walking across the bridge to “wing guy’s” house. He was comforting, and didn’t hate me, even though I cheated on his best friend. He was still a friend to me too, and it meant a lot at the time. He ended up walking me home at the end of the night, and my one and only “cheesy rom-com” moment happened. It was lightly snowing outside, and I turned to walk away. He grabbed my hand, I turned around, and he kissed me. Surprisingly after that, I ended up getting back together with my ex boyfriend. I never told him, but he found out 6 months later. I won’t go into how he found out, but he was furious. He hated him and didn’t forgive him, but he ended up forgiving me. I remember asking my ex to forgive him aswell, because we both kissed eachother, but he didn’t. This caused him and I to not be friends anymore, because he thought I just got a free pass with my ex and didn’t care that he was getting all the back lash while I was getting away with what appeared to be “scott free”. Flash forward to about a year later, my ex and I broke up for good. The two boys made up and became friends again, and slowly I came back in the picture. Everything was okay for a bit, until there was another blow out between my ex and him. Mainly my ex being mad at him, because of something I said, which I still regret, and we all stopped talking. This was 4 years ago. So 4 years ago, my guy best friend, and I stopped being friends, for what I thought was for good. This year, I messaged him, and slowly we ended up reconnecting again. I think I’m so scared to lose him again that sometimes I might be a bit intense, but I am getting better at it.

So ending this off, on the very long tangent I was on, I lost someone I cared deeply about this year, but I gained someone I cared about so much more deeply this year, and I am very thankful for that. Now, my weeks are going to consist of Christmas wrapping, Christmas movies, Christmas songs, and chocolate from my advent calendar.

 

xoxo TGOOBZ.

 

 

 

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“Greater is He living in me than in the world”

In a world full of fear, of many different kinds, fear of abandonment, fear of loss, fear of giving up, fear of safety, fear of others, fear of harm, it can be so easy to feel helpless. It can be so easy to feel HOPEless. Now if you ask me, the feeling of having no hope is the scariest feeling in the world.

I am absolutely someone who fears easily, and most times unnecessarily. I have feared everything from rejection, abandonment, losing myself, losing others, losing GOD, dying, sickness, other peoples opinions on me, judgement, public speaking, singing in public. Fear can have a way of consuming someone, and most times they don’t even know they are consumed with it. Satan has a way of letting fear control peoples lives to steal their peace. Even worse, he does it in a way where it builds over time. Singing in public, “You’ll mess up”, “You’ll sound bad”, “Everyones going to laugh at you”. What happens then is you start listening to those thoughts, believing them, and then any time you have the opportunity to sing in public you run and hide. Yes, I’m talking about myself. How did I overcome that? I’m not going to lie, I still get very nervous singing infront of others, but the difference is, I don’t believe the self destructing thoughts anymore. One day, I just said “No, I’m going to sing, and if it goes bad, I’ll deal with it then”. That was a big step, because guess what? That was the first step to success and I didn’t even realize it. It didn’t go bad, and in fact, each time I sing infront of others now, the fear decreases more and more.

One fear that sometimes is harder for me to shake, and it’s my biggest fear. Not death, not rejection (although I thought that was my biggest one). My biggest fear is losing God. I have believed way to many lies about me not being good enough, about it being too late, feeling shame for how I used to act, I completely lost sight of the reality. God is much more powerful than anything “He who is in me is bigger than he who is in the world”, and He absolutely would never leave me. Afterall He PROMISES He won’t, and He doesn’t break His promises. God has been showing me over the last little while that the fear of losing Him, or the fear that I’m not enough for Him, starts and ends with me. None of it is true. Believing that, and knowing that is a bit harder. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

That is why I love hope. I love hope because it means I am not alone, I am not doomed, no matter the situation I may be in. I am learning more and more each day how big of an impact it really is that Jesus died on the cross for me. For everyone. HE is the hope, He is bigger than everyone, or everything. He is bigger than Donald Trump. He is bigger than ME, and my fears. It’s a bit of weight off my shoulders knowing I don’t have to face the little and big things in life alone. I don’t have to be scared because after this life, is the REAL life. Eternity. That is what I need to be striving for. I need to forget the things of today, forget the things of this world, and keep my eyes ahead, working towards the goal of being with Jesus, and working out my salvation.

Sometimes, being a Christian can “feel lonely”. Most of my friends aren’t Christian, every guy I have dated wasn’t Christian, and now that I am set to only date guys who ARE Christian, I don’t really know many, if any at all that are not married. But, I’m actually not lonely though, God has given me everything I need to have a Godly life. I can be in a room with 50 people, or in a room alone, but I can talk to God ALL the time. He is always there. It’s a lie that I’m lonely. He is there, and He is enough. And when the time is right, if it is His will, He will bring the special guy in my life. I can’t wait.

 

One of the songs I have been listening to, and it speaks to real struggle of sometimes not trusting God even if you want to, and needing God to help you get that much closer; “Help me Believe – Strahan”. It’s a good one.

 

Tash.

 

Flashback to 10 years ago

On my facebook (and everyone elses), old memories come up, from YEARS ago. Something I always get a kick out of is reading my old notes. The amount of sass and weirdness is just embarrassing, but I still laugh. So I thought.. hey.. why don’t I take one of my old facebook notes, copy and paste how I answered it 10 years ago, and fill out the same questions except 10 years later!

Here is the result..

 

10 YEARS AGO ANSWERS

10 years later answers in bold&italic.

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when they’re telling how you they feel, or looking into someone’s eyes and telling them how you feel?
looking into someones eyes and telling them how you feel (yeah I’d say the same now)

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
today, ’cause i couldn’t find my math book and i haven’t started studying yet.. (Hahaha real life probs.. um.. last time I was angry now would probably be watching Big Brother, and how terrible it is)

3. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love.
eek, love (I’d probably say trust now. Love without trust isn’t really love at all)

4. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you’re fired. Do you save the dog?
definitely save the dog (Sorry boss, I’m definitely still saving the dog)

5. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
yeah i would (If only life were that simple, but I absolutely would love to give them as many hours as I could)

6. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
i guess so (I try to be!)

7. Are you old fashioned?
not really (Some people say I’m an old lady at heart so probably)

8. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
probably that i don’t love them back (That I don’t love them back)

9. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?
boxer peen, aaaha (LOL at my old answer, but I guess trusting the last guy I was in a relationship with)

10. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
nic : ), so he can scare them away hehe (ThatcherJoe)

11. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
right now i’d say no, but if i was actually in that situation i probably would. (Yes_

12. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
friday, it was a lot worse than i had expected (Last night actually)

If You had three months to live:

13. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
i would tell close people (No)

14. What do you do with your remaining days?
not waste them, spend time with everyone that is very close to me, and just be happy that i was able to live that long. (Basically the same answer)

15. Would you be afraid?
for sure, death is my number one fear (I wouldn’t be scared of what would happen to me after I died, I would be afraid of how people would react to it afterwards)

last person..

1. You hung out with ?
eh, girls at dance (Besides family, would be Jess)

2. You texted?
nic : ) (Deb)

3. You were in a car with?
mama goobie (Jess)

4. Went to the movies with?
nic, sarah, robin, nic’s cousin (Kayla and Deb)

5. You went shopping with?
jessica, brandon, alexis (Also Kayla and Deb)

6. You talked on the phone?
nic (Daddio)

7. Made you laugh?:
aah, i can’t remember (I laugh all the friggin time but the hardest laugh lately would be at Kait’s wedding)

8. You hugged?:
nic maybe? (Momsie)

What is your favorite thing to drink?
lemonade (Water is actually my fav now, I know I’m a loser)

Where was your default picture taken?
steph bursey’s house (If that means profile picture then it was in Deer Island at Kaitlyns wedding)

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
warm (Cold all the way man)

What do you currently hear right now?
stay – emmy Rossum (Cars driving down the street)

What do you think your best friends are doing right now?
probably all studying except for melissa, who would still be obsessing over dave from daves place. (All working)

What’s your favorite Gatorade flavor?
i don’t drink dat (I still don’t drink dat)

Something you just don’t understand?
weather (Super massive black holes)

Do you care what others think about you?
yeah (Working on it!)

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
i sure hope so 🙂 (Okay so clearly my hopeful 14 year old self didn’t get what she wanted, but I would definitely like to be married 10 years from NOW haha)

How many people do you trust 100%?
3. (5)

What are your plans for the weekend?
town saturday, not sure what else from there haha, movies i think.. (Bachelorette Party woo woo)

Ever kissed anyone 20 or older?
no. (Well now I can say yes to that obviously haha)

Do you regret anything?
of course (Yes a couple of things)

What are you excited about?
exams to be over (The festivities that September has to bring)

Do you like to cuddle?
yup (Lol yes)

How late did you stay up last night?
12 30 (2am)

Is there anyone you hate?
nope (I don’t hate anyone, and never could)

What is your favourite colour / colour’s ?
yellow (Still yellow!)

Do you love Someone ?
i sure do (Not “in love” no)

What is the last thing you watched?
phil of the future. (Teen Mom)

Last reason why you were grounded ?
i forget haha (I couldn’t tell you honestly lol probably being a rambunctious teen)

Is the last person you kissed older than you ?
yes (Yes)

Do you think hooking up with an Ex is bad ?
yeah haha (It’s not a wise decision)

Are you shy ?
yes (Still can be but definitely not as much)

Do you prefer to be around People , or by your-self?
depends (both)

Who do you miss right now?
nic.. (my pallies that live far awayyyyy)

Do you think you’ll get along better with your Sibling’s when you get older ?
yup (we definitely get along way better now haha)

Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with a C?
nope (still no actually)

 

Okay so I kind of love how some of the answers are still the same, and some are just way off. It’s crazy what can change in 10 years.

 

TGOOB

Life’s Lessons

Life has been teaching me a lot of lessons lately. I’ve been learning to evaluate different areas of my life to do some tidying up. Friendships, Health, Christian Walk, and just where I’m at in life.. at 24 years old. Here is what I’ve discovered so far.

 

Friendships 

Throughout the last year, I’ve made new friends, drifted away from some, and even rekindled old friendships. I have noticed I tend to have “friendship flaws” and can have my share of being a sucky friend.

One thing I know is I suck at is texting, and keeping in touch with friends especially who live away. I don’t purposely do it, but for some reason I just never text first, OR even worse, I read a text, meaning to reply to it, then just never do. I am getting better though (not to toot my own horn) but I’ve realized some of the friends who live furthest away are the ones who mean the most and have been the best friends I’ve ever known.

I also have another flaw. I try too hard sometimes. In a weird backwards way, the friends who put me down and treat me a lot worse than their other friends are the ones I continually try to get approval from. I’ve learned something from that though. You should never have to “try” to make someone want to be your friend. They already should be. Especially if you’ve known them for years. You shouldn’t want a friend who insults you. You shouldn’t want a friend who doesn’t treat you equally to the way they treat their other friends. Trying is exhausting. It is much more freeing to let go, to have a tight knit group of OGs and ride or dies. There are enough people in the world after all.

Health 

Health is something I have been getting into lately. Both physical and mental. They are equally important and definitely take work.

I’m no gym fanatic, but I definitely have changed my diet (shout out to brussel sprouts) and walk.. ALOT. It just feels better in every way. I’ve had my slip ups but am down a total of 30lbs so far!

For my mental health, Christianity takes a big role. Thanks be to God that every problem in life, God has blessed us with scripture to help us get through.

Christian Walk 

My Christian walk hasn’t always been easy, especially times of feeling depressed, or exhausted, or rejected, trusting in God completely can be SO hard. The most amazing thing is that God always brings you through it no matter what, for His glory. Every time I overcome a hurdle in life, even if during it I think “I’m never going to be happy again” or “I give up” or “Im so mad at what they did”, God always helps me to realize that He pulled me through every time. “See, I told you that you would be okay”. Sometimes battles can be long, sometimes we feel down about ourselves and rejected or heartbroken for what seems like an eternity; but it is in the pain that Gods hand is at work. For when I am weak, THEN I am strong.

A big thing I have learned in my Christian walk lately is praising God in the storm. When things are going crazy in Life, say “thank you for growing me through this hard time”. It can be so powerful. Admitting outloud that yes, life sucks right now, but I know it won’t always suck, because God knows what He is doing.

I love Him. I still make mistakes but He forgives me everytime.. and I don’t deserve it. He is always willing to work with me, and waits patiently when I’m trusting in myself over Him.  Something that makes me love Jesus so much, is the fact that as He was being murdered brutally on the cross, infront of everyone, and all the pain He was going through, He asked God in that moment to forgive the men being crucified beside Him. “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” Luke 23:34. In all that pain, He was STILL caring for others over Himself and his circumstances. MY goal in my Christian walk is to be as much like Him as I can be, I wont even get close, but I’ll do my best.

 

I don’t know how to end this blog because I’m not a real blogger I’m an imposter so here it goes.

 

Xoxo T Goob

 

 

 

Travel, Nature, God, and me.

I’m writing my first blog, at 12am. It is my first night in New Brunswick again after spending two weeks in Newfoundland.

Newfoundland is an amazing place. I am a sucker for Newfie accents, and Jiggs Dinner?! Count me in. For anyone who doesn’t know what Jiggs Dinner is, it’s a dish that consists of salt beef, potatoes, carrots, turnip and cabbage.. cooked in the SAME pot. Yum. I also love the family atmosphere with my family up there. It makes me feel at home.

Something I really noticed on this trip the most was the mountains. I have always loved nature but the mountains there are beautiful. Taking a bit of a side note, I wanted to deepen my relationship with God while I was there. It was the perfect time. Something I discovered though is there isn’t “a time” that works best to get right with God, to hear God. It’s all the time. The limitation is only self inflicted. If I am being honest, my focus on God wasn’t put in the center of my mind during the trip, even when He was prompting me. I was really discouraged with myself for it, but wasn’t taking action to do anything about it. I distracted myself with other things. But let me tell you this, every single time I saw a mountain during our drives, and the beauty and clear artwork in them, all I could think about was God. I became fixated on mountains after that, and took pictures of every single mountain the rest of the trip. Even though I didn’t feel like I got to where I wanted to be in my Christian walk, He was with me the whole time. The mountains were always all around me. God was always around me.

 

I know this was a quick post but I just want to leave this off with a couple of things (mainly self reminders). Wherever you are at in life, if you feel alone, or feel like you can’t hear what God is trying to tell you, look around. God is everywhere. The mountains, the trees, the oceans, even rocky beaches; God’s beauty is in everything. I need to assure myself of that, but thankfully I am not alone.

 

 

Tash.