Throughout the last year, I’ve been on a crazy rollercoaster ride. So many ups, and almost as many downs. Here I am now though, on calm ground. I have officially gotten off the rollercoaster. For a long time, I had to work on moving on from someone who was really bad for me… but.. the sentence doesn’t end there…because I was bad for them too.
So many times, people blame their problems, or arguments they have with someone on another person. It’s never their fault. For a long time, I was that person. The guy I was moving on from, yes, a lot of terrible things were said and done to me, BUT, I also was equally to blame. I’m not going to get into all of it, but long story short, what helped me finally move on for good a few months ago was taking accountability for my actions in the relationship and what went wrong. It is so much work blaming someone else for everything, and being mad at someone. It was a lot to carry, and let me tell you.. it is so freeing to be able to finally have him unblocked and not feel the need to call or text him, or fear that he will call and text me. The honest part of me will say this though. A year ago around this time, things were really taking off with him and I, and we were #1’s in each others world. It feels so great to be in love during the Christmas season, and this year I’m not. The odd occasion I think back to last year and miss it. Not him, but the feeling of being in love. I think that is healthy though, because I am recognizing I am missing the feeling, and not the person.
This Christmas is a bit different too in the aspect that an old friend has come back into my life. I was friends with him since grade 10. I remember exactly how we met. He was the “new guy” at school. His hair flipped out by his ears, and he had “wings”. The style back then. One of my friends at the time happened to be friends with him, and I took the opportunity to become close with her again just so I could get to know him. (I know, I still feel bad about that to this day). We started to hang out in group settings, and soon found out that we lived down the road from each other. What a coincidence, right? Anyways, something with him and I clicked. We had a connection instantly. He was very protective over me, and I would do anything for him. I knew I always had a crush on him, but he always was dating someone. I was the third wheel, and yet, whoever his girlfriend at the time was seemed to be the one who took the third wheel position. It was a very flirty friendship, which ultimately would have to blow up one day, right? Right. He introduced me to his best friend at the time, and his friend was a total opposite to him. He was outgoing, loud, confident, aware of himself. His best friend was quiet, shy, reserved. He had a sense of mystery to him. In a weird turn of events, I ended up falling for his friend, and he ultimately ended up dating, for a little less than 5 years. I was immature in my teens, and kissed another guy while dating him. We broke up for a short period, and I remember being absolutely drunk and walking across the bridge to “wing guy’s” house. He was comforting, and didn’t hate me, even though I cheated on his best friend. He was still a friend to me too, and it meant a lot at the time. He ended up walking me home at the end of the night, and my one and only “cheesy rom-com” moment happened. It was lightly snowing outside, and I turned to walk away. He grabbed my hand, I turned around, and he kissed me. Surprisingly after that, I ended up getting back together with my ex boyfriend. I never told him, but he found out 6 months later. I won’t go into how he found out, but he was furious. He hated him and didn’t forgive him, but he ended up forgiving me. I remember asking my ex to forgive him aswell, because we both kissed eachother, but he didn’t. This caused him and I to not be friends anymore, because he thought I just got a free pass with my ex and didn’t care that he was getting all the back lash while I was getting away with what appeared to be “scott free”. Flash forward to about a year later, my ex and I broke up for good. The two boys made up and became friends again, and slowly I came back in the picture. Everything was okay for a bit, until there was another blow out between my ex and him. Mainly my ex being mad at him, because of something I said, which I still regret, and we all stopped talking. This was 4 years ago. So 4 years ago, my guy best friend, and I stopped being friends, for what I thought was for good. This year, I messaged him, and slowly we ended up reconnecting again. I think I’m so scared to lose him again that sometimes I might be a bit intense, but I am getting better at it.
So ending this off, on the very long tangent I was on, I lost someone I cared deeply about this year, but I gained someone I cared about so much more deeply this year, and I am very thankful for that. Now, my weeks are going to consist of Christmas wrapping, Christmas movies, Christmas songs, and chocolate from my advent calendar.